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bbbrrr

Age/Gender: 18, Male
Location: Round Lake, IL
Job: Yu-Gi-Oh nerd...

If there was one thing that I could put down in this space...one thing I could tell you so that you could all get a view of my life...one thing that would be a glimpse of who I truly am...just one thing showcasing myself, then my life would be really lame

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Entry #16

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bbbrrr

Three Brothers, cont.

Posted by bbbrrr Feb. 2, 2009 @ 10:23 PM EST

Okay, first of...DAMN, LOOK AT HOW FAST I WENT WITH THIS PART...I must have had some inspiration...and I did.
NOTE-this part is pretty sad...as it starts the downward spiral in the stroy. Also, I was originally planning on this being 4 parts, but now it might be 5...

TWO AND A HALF WEEKS LATER...

Middle Brother's birthday was quickly approaching, at least in Little Brother's mind. He wanted everything to be perfect for the day that his favorite brother became an adult. Well, not entirely, for, as Big Brother put it, Middle Brother would be old enough to die for his country, but not old enough to drink, so he wasn't quite an adult yet. Still, Little Brother felt that this day should be special for Middle Brother, and would do his best to make it so...with his girlfriend's help, of course.
The day of the meteor shower was quickly approaching as well, at least in Middle Brother's mind. He felt that it was awesome that this historic yet unpredicted meteor shower would not only happen less than a mile from their house, but also on his 18th birthday, of all days. Big Brother wouldn't let a chance pass to inform Middle Brother that he might be preparing himself for a letdown on one of the biggest days of his life, and that he shouldn't be looking forward to a meteor shower more than his on birthday, but Middle Brother didn't seem to care much about that.
The day where he could say that both of his brothers were officially insane was quickly approaching, at least in Big Brother's mind. He could see them becoming less and less stable as the days went on, approaching the day that they were both looking forward to so much. Still, at least it got them out of his hair, and Andrew's. Andrew was staying close by, for he would be leaving in a few weeks, but wanted to hang with Big Brother some before he went. Big Brother spent some time planning his brother's birthday, but left most of that to Little Brother and his girlfriend-he had to find a job to support him before he could find a career. Or, at least, that's what he had been thinking, for about four days, until a week and a half before Middle Brother's Birthday, when everything changed.
Ten days before Middle Brother's birthday, the Brentwood family got a call. It was from far downstate, and sounded serious. Mr. Brentwood (the brothers' father) picked up the phone. He answered as his usual cheery self, but in less than a minute, he had a morose look on his face. He sat down and just nodded, saying simple short agreements, such as yes, ok, and I understand. He looked up at his sons, then at his wife. He said "Thank you for informing us," and then hung up. He looked at his sons again, then his wife again, and then sighed. HE said, turning away, ""That was Jake Surivtez, my father's neighbor, and lifelong friend. He called me to inform me that..."he paused, coughed a bit, and almost broke into tears. But, he maintained his composure, and continued, "...and he said that Granddad just shot himself..."he paused and coughed again, and in between sobs, he said, "...apparently he just couldn't live without Grandma, and she died a couple of weeks ago, from a heart attack." The brothers' jaws all dropped, and they looked at each other in dismay.
"We wanted to tell you," said their mother, "but at first we didn't want to distract you from finals, and then we just couldn't find the right time...but..." she almost broke down as well, "I guess we probably should have told you sooner, as now..." she couldn't stop herself, and she broke into tears.
"...As now, in one foul swoop," said their father, regaining his composure for just a moment, "...you now have lost both of the only grandparents you ever knew..." He broke into tears again. The brothers just sat their, motionless, taking it all in.
Big Brother, the strongest of the three, was the first to break the silence, after a couple of minutes had passed. "So...what does this mean? What are we going to do?"
Their mother responded. "Well, the five of us will go downstate for the wake, and be back in a week. We will be back here for MB's birthday, but it will be a somber occasion..."
Little brother spoke next. "Are we gonna make it through this?"
"Of course we will," replied Middle Brother, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Of course we will. It may take a while, and it may hurt, but together, the three of us can make it through," he said, glancing at Big Brother. "And in seeing our strength, Mom and Dad wil have no choice but to be strong with us. Right?" he said, looking at them.
"Of course son," said their father, smiling through the tears. "And we will be a stronger family from it."
"Come on," said their mother, "I think a family hug might help us right about now..." They all embraced, and after a minute, they all let go. "Well now," she said, wiping her tears, "I think we all have some people we need to inform and some things to pack, so lets hop to it."
The brothers went to their rooms, and they each set about contacting people. Big Brother went and set up some things to pack in his room, and then went to walk over to where Andrew was staying. Middle Brother contacted Fernando via IM, and told him what had happened and where he would be going. He assured Fernando that he would be back soon, and a better person from it. Little Brother grabbed his cell phone and called his girlfriend, telling her almost exactly what happened, and also asking her to continue planning while he was gone, as Middle Brother's birthday had to be even better now. The three were back in two hours, with bags packed and ready to go downstate for a solemn and melancholy week.

Thank you, and if you liked it (or didn't) comment, and I will read and respond...as long as you are constructive...oh, and woohoo to saving people from suicide...cuz suicide is bad...um...yeah...I'm gonna stop now.

Updated: 02/02/09 11:02 PM Log in to comment! | Share this!

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1 Comment

Feb. 3, 2009 | 2:53 PM GregoryGrub says:

Ok. Ok. I'm starting to understand more. But this Grandpa think doesn't work for me. And I'll tell ya why. You can't expect the reader to react emotionally if he is introduced to the Grandpa AND the suicide at the same time. It just doesn't work. You have to warm us up to it. Introduce the Grandpa and the parents too earlier in the beginning. I dont know the parents and I dont care what happens to them unless I see them earlier. Otherwise this whole scene feels distant. The suicide thing seems like more of a plot device to get the brothers together and in a somber mood than anything else. We dont even know how much of a big deal the death is other than their reaction which is a cliched reaction. Dont take that the wrong way. Im just saying that the reader needs to feel like crying too. Otherwise we don't know why their crying. Why was Grandpa significant to the brothers? What did he do for them? You can never assume the reader knows that they were attached to the Grandpa unless you show us. Most of the other things I have to say about this part were stated in the last two comments I made. Again the show, dont tell is a big thing to remember. It's good that you have a lot of depth to your characters and I can tell you have a lot of ideas laid out (enough for a novel) but this short story is turning into a novella. Short stories are short, succinct and to the point. They take you immediately into the action. Anytime I read a short story, I ask the question, "Why today?" What happens to these characters today that changes them in a way never before. The beach scene at the beginning seems unneccessary, unless you have them talk about the Grandpa. Otherwise you have too many conflicts going on. There's the meteor shower, the brother's vs Big Brother, and grandparents death. You can have the meteor shower be the chronic tension sense it is happening on a date, and have the other two, but one of them needs to be a primary focus. The grandpa's death took over the other two conflicts in this point. You can't do that if they don't exist before. You need an inciting incident for it. In the very beginning you need to have an action that creates/begins the conflict of the short story. That's what keeps a reader reading. Try to hold back on the expository stuff and cut off the fat and leave just the meat. Man I'm hungry. I keep using food metaphors. If you need anymore advice let me know. This is good practice for my writing workshops. And sorry if I've said too much, I tend to.

Feb. 3, 2009 | 5:46 PM bbbrrr responds:

First of all, thank you for the comments.
Ok, I realize that the death was sudden, and in retrospect, it will probably be taken out, or, as you suggested, have an added part about grandpa. I more or less did this to further the plot a little, and to make a point to someone...
The part with the sunset is their to show contrast to what will happen in the novel...like I said, thids is part of a short story and also a rough draft. I am doing this to test my writing potential, and because the writing class I have right now is all junk and no creativity at all.
The meteor shower and the Brother's vs. Big Brother thing are going to fuse in the last part of the short story-when this actaully happens. Now would probably be a good time to bring up that the novel (not so much the short story though) will be a work of sci-fi...and the meteor shower is going to be the climax.

I realize and agree with what you are saying about the short story becoming too long. In fact, it probably already is too long. But, once again, this is my rough draft. Right now, all I am really trying to do is get my ideas onto paper.

Part one-I won't change a bit. I like the way it turned out.
Part two-eh...not as good as part one, but still decent. Filler in a short story isn't always grand, but I felt it was needed.
Part three-will most likely be gone in the final copy, as it isn't needed for the story. If I really need that kinda info, I can insert it into the novel later.
Part four-workin on it. Its gonna be the B-day, and posiibly meteor shower as well. If not, then meteor shower is part five. And this is all gonna be one large thing in the end as well. I'm just separating into sections for my posting purposes.
I may just entirely delete most of part three (except maybe some of the stuff in the beginning-some of that may stay...)

Thank you for the very good and very constructive criticsm. I appreciate it.

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