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bbbrrr

Age/Gender: 18, Male
Location: Round Lake, IL
Job: Yu-Gi-Oh nerd...

If there was one thing that I could put down in this space...one thing I could tell you so that you could all get a view of my life...one thing that would be a glimpse of who I truly am...just one thing showcasing myself, then my life would be really lame

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Entry #13

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bbbrrr

Three Brothers...

Posted by bbbrrr Jan. 31, 2009 @ 10:04 PM EST

I actually wrote this about a month and a half ago...It's the first part of a short story that serves as a prelude to a novel I plan on writing...

Three brothers sat on a beach, waiting to watch the sunset on a late autumn evening. Their parents weren't far off-they were waiting to watch the same sunset, just on a different part of the beach. The brothers shared a special bond, despite the fact that there was seven years between the youngest and the oldest, and so their parents often let the three do whatever they wanted, as long as they did it together. So they sat on the beach, waiting for the sunset.
The youngest sat on the far left. He was the most anxious to see the sunset-he was the one who loved the natural beauty of things-whereas his brothers had other interests. The eldest brother enjoyed machinery and manmade marvels, while the middle child was starting to obsess over what lay beyond the sky.
The youngest brother looked like a young version of his father-a lanky kid with a stick figure. The only place where he wasn't skin and bones was his gut, which stuck out just enough so that his belly was flat, but non-muscular. He had brown hair-not too light, not too dark. He never needed glasses, unlike the others in the family, as so his face was unhindered by them. He looked younger than he was, but this just reflected how immature he could often be. He looked at his watch, and said aloud "Only ten more minutes." The eldest looked at his watch and nodded confirmation, while the middle didn't even move. The youngest noted this.
"Middle Brother," he said, looking to his right to his brother sitting next to him, "what are you looking at?"
"The stars Little Brother, the stars," he replied. He looked to his right at his older brother and then to his left at his younger. He himself also looked like his father-just with darker hair, and a bit lighter. He didn't have the gut that his brothers had, and he had the darkest hair out of the family-a dirty brown that looked almost black. For just five years older than his brother, he looked quite a bit older, and was a bit too mature for his age. "Even though the sun hasn't set yet Little Brother," said Middle Brother, "you can still see the beauty that is the stars."
"Do you think there's life out there Middle Brother," asked Little Brother.
"Maybe...who knows. Imagine-there are nine planets in our solar system, counting Pluto. Our solar system may only have one planet with life, "he said, shifting his gaze back to the stars, "but imagine how many other solar systems there must be-each with their own planets and their own possibilities of life. It would be frightening to find out that we are alone in the universe, but even more frightening to find out that we aren't-that there are other species living in the same galaxy as us-or even closer...
"And," he said, looking back at Little Brother with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face, "it would be even more frightening if, while we aren't alone in the universe, that we are the most advanced life forms-or are way behind. To think of how far we still have to go is one thing, but if we could tell how far ahead-or behind-we were, that would be another, right Big Brother?"
Big Brother looked to his left and growled. Then he raised his right eyebrow (and lowered his left) and smirked. Out of the brothers, Big Brother was the black sheep. He took after his mother more than his brothers did, and it showed. A light brown hair color was complimented by a large body. He was tall, which made him look like he weighed less than he actually did. He looked mature for seventeen, and could easily pass as an adult. He looked to the sky and sighed. "I suppose you have a point Middle Brother," he said, "but I think that we can't focus on where we must go without knowing how to get there. And besides...you worry Little Brother with this deep talk. You are going to give him nightmares about aliens and such..."
Little Brother leaned back and shot Big Brother a smug look from behind Middle Brother. "You give me too little credit," he said in a whiney voice. "I haven't had a real nightmare since I was 8-and that was over two years ago..." He sighed and leaned forward to his original position. He looked at the stars for a short moment, then back at the beach, then back at his watch. "Only another minute or two..."
"Big Brother, I have a question..." Little Brother said. Middle brother was the smartest of the three when dealing with book smarts, but for experience and tangible things, both Little and Middle Brother turned to Big Brother. "What would happen if people from other planets came here?"
"Well," Big Brother started, "I don't think we really have to worry. If they were hostile, they would destroy us before we even knew what hit us...and if they weren't, then we wouldn't have a problem, now would we?" He then realized why Little Brother had asked the question in the first place. "Don't worry about it. Middle Brother and I will always be here to protect you from the bad..."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Promise," said Middle Brother.
"Well then," said Little Brother, "I promise to protect you too...both of you."
"As do I," said Middle Brother.
"I promise to protect you too, Middle Brother. After all, If I didn't then it would just be me and Little Brother-and that would be no fun...now would it"
"Har har har...very funny..." said Middle Brother. The sunset had started, and Middle Brother pointed to it and said "Lets all promise on that sunset-No, on the sun itself, that the three of us will always be there for each other-no matter what!"
"Promise," said Big Brother.
"Promise!" said Little Brother.
They looked at each other and then stared back at the beautiful sunset for a few more minutes. "It's great," said Big Brother, "that the sun decided to honor Mom and Dad's anniversary with such a beautiful sight."
"Agreed," said Little Brother.
"Indubitably," said Middle Brother, and they all cracked up and started rolling on the sand with uncontrollable laughter.

Please tell me what you think of it, if you wouldn't mind...

Updated: 01/31/09 10:24 PM Log in to comment! | Share this!

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2 Comments

Jan. 31, 2009 | 10:59 PM Zetvirus55 says:

Oh my god.....OH MY GOD!

A little odd on the wording, but dude!

I can't even make a joke here!

This one has genuine emotion to it, I'm looking forward to seeing your full potential at work.

Jan. 31, 2009 | 11:15 PM bbbrrr responds:

yeah...i kinda talk in an odd way when i write...but thanks. I'll put the next part up soon, as soon as I'm done with part three of this next part.

Thanks for the response.


Feb. 3, 2009 | 12:04 PM GregoryGrub says:

Well, I think you did a good job of painting three different personalities. I can see the camaraderie between them which is never easy to pull off. It seems real, geniuine. A few things though. The beginning seems slow before it gets to the dialogue. The reason is that there is too much expository (Too much information being explained at once.) Use details to tie in physical appearance and personality. Don't just tell us everything at once. It weighs down the reading. The dialogue seemed real but you don't need all of it. Every single line of dialogue should do more than one job in the story. It should tell us about the speaker, the mood, the subtext. Dialogue is not words, it's action. Make your dialogue count. You could trim that conversation down in half and still get across everything you wanted. About the setting. For all I know, they're on some generic beach with a sunset. Make it unique. Make me want to be there. Metaphors, similies, and visual details work for this. Also, the sun is the main focus of these characters. (Well that and the stars) Describe them. Assume we've never seen a sunset. Make it beautiful. I'm not convinced that it is. Convince me. I know you probably haven't thought up names yet thus the little,middle, and big tags but that's another important thing in helping us differentiate between them. Make their names describe their personality. And try not just tell us things like, "Big Brother is the black sheep of the family." Why is he the black sheep? The middle brother could be the black sheep too. You need to show us these things for us to believe it. He didn't stand out enough for me to think he was different than the rest. Labels have no place in novels. Sorry if I sound too critical, but I'm in workshops all the time and this is what I do. I only want to help you present the vision in your head. I haven't read the other parts, but I will in a second and give my thoughts on those too. And there is something HUGE that I haven't even covered in my critique. CONFLICT. Conflict is story. Where is the conflict? Aliens? There needs to be something clearly noticable. Or is it more subtle, like their relationship? Is the conflict about them drifting apart? Conflict should be in the first or second paragraph. alright I'm done for now. I'll read on...

Feb. 3, 2009 | 6:11 PM bbbrrr responds:

First off, let me say one thing: Whoops!
I guess I completely forgot to describe the sunset, the stars-the beach as a whole. I was too busy puting my ideas into words that I kinda didn't realize I forgot that part...

Conflict-that begins in part two, will be highlighted in part three, and will be the main theme of part four (this is actually the last one of your critiques I'm reading, and I'm just gonna cut out Grandpa...he doesn't sound as good as he did when I was typing it...so the parts 3 and 4 will be different). This part is an introduction to the three of them. no conflict to be found yet. Plus, this is four and a half years before the conflict arises...still...you just gave me an idea...whne I'm done with the entire story, I'll try it...

What haven't I covered yet...Oh yeah...I need to actually add more to this part...more in the beginnig, for a ease in, and also for the ability to describe the beach.

Oh, and the Little, Middle, and Big Brother thing-that's there to show their relationship-its to highlight how close they are. In the novel, the two younger brothers get offened when the eldest calls them by name, instead of acknowledging their...for lack of a better term, blood.

One last thing. DAMN SON, you sure can critique. And its very helpful critique as well. I thank you for your time.

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